Coils & Curls Blog

What are your thoughts on this article?
“Why Congolese men rather starve to death than look cheap.”

My opinion is one that may cause ruffles in some feathers…
I think that this attitude is rampant in our community. Americans (particularly African Americans) in general seem to be completely focused on what they wear on the outside, thinking it relates to the type of person they are on the inside.
I just watched a show on VH1 called “Charm School” where the contestants were asked to donate two bags worth of their belongings to the under privileged. One of the ladies put everything she owned in the bags with a complete heart of giving. When they presented their clothes to the Goodwill, the owner of the store said that her clothes had little resell value. He offered her $15 for one of her pairs of boots and she completely FLIPPED out reporting that she sacrificed her rent money to buy those shoes and now he is only going to give her $15?
Then she threw a temper tantrum because she said that by him pricing her clothes so cheaply, that was like he was saying her “entire being” was worthless. But the truth is… EVERYTHING loses value after you take it off the rack. Go buy a car or a computer and you will see this example BIG TIME!

But this is the attitude I fear we are creating in our children, communities, and nation. I truly believed her when she said that she equated the value of her clothes to the value of herself. I see it everyday. I struggle with it, because it used to be a part of my life. Aside from judging other people, I judged myself about what I wore. I had to make sure that everything was brand named and ironed just right (except for those 3-5 years in the 90’s when it was COOL to wear Thrift Store clothes). It was exhausting, trying to create the unattainable perfect look. I had to look in the mirror and really see who I was trying to impress. I was working to buy clothes so that every random person on the street would be impressed by it. What is that about? WHO CARES about EVERYONE else’s opinion! I should only care about MY opinion. If I see my value in the assessment of everyone else’s eyes, then I am the one with the problem and no amount of expensive clothing is going to change that.

In the article above, I am so sorry to see the poorest of the poor sacrifice food for a brand name outfit. But I see so many people I care about here in the states doing the very same thing… just on a different level. I am glad I’m no longer a part of that lifestyle. Just last week, a friend (who is still living in that judgement) told me, “Ya know, I love you girl… but you need to iron them jeans and get some new kicks.” I looked down at my baggy jeans and comfortable Crocks and said, “Why?” She started to explain but all I heard was the first part of her reasoning.. she said, “Because people are going to think…” Then I tuned out and smiled… because I knew that whatever she was saying about what other “people were going to think”… I truly didn’t care.
I used to care… but now, all I can say is it feels good to be free of that Matrix of Materialism.
~Carole

What are your thoughts on the article linked above? Can you see a correlation in our culture? Are you living in the Matrix of Materialism?

Question…
Are the stats in this presentation accurate? I have heard all the stats they are disputing… and honestly, I took them as truths because I heard them so much by so many “educated” people… but maybe I was wrong to take all that “they” say as gospel. What are your thoughts: http://www.whatblackmenthink.com/wbmt%20psa.wmv

Those were the words that John Lynch of the Denver Broncos shared at the funeral of Darrent Williams. I had a client this morning that was very much in grief about this situation. We both talked for over an hour about how senseless this crime was for Darrent and his family. For those who don’t know, 24 year old, cornerback Darrent Williams of the Denver Broncos was pronounced dead at a local hospital after being shot early Monday morning just following a New Years party.

Yesterday, I held several appointments with his teammates to retighten and freshen their hair before the funeral. Of course these men were feeling something that no one ever wants to feel. The pain of losing a close friend is something I have only tasted a few times in my life and each time the pill was bitter and almost impossible to swallow. I always think to myself that death is something we should all be preparing to face, but yet we always avoid.

I found it fascinating how each of these men, in the face of this horrible circumstance acted as though it was sad but… “That is life”. I am sorry, but a senseless gang shooting is not “life”. Some of these men I call friends. So, it hurt me deeply to see each one processing this whole thing as I did their hair. I said to one friend, “I am so sorry about your teammate. How are you taking it? Are you ok?” He said back, “Yeah, its tough. But I’m cool.” When he said that, I snapped back – uncontrollably I might add – I snapped, “Common man! You are acting like this is “old hat”. Like it happens everyday.” He said, “Carole, it does happen every day. This is not the 1^st, 2^nd or 3^rd time that something like this has happened in my life and it won’t be the last.” I looked at him and said, “You know… it is ok to feel emotion. To just FEEL… something… anything for this one.” He stopped me right there and asked to change the subject.

In that instant I asked myself a question, have we come to a place in our culture where it is not okay for a black man to allow himself to FEEL pain, hurt, or sadness? Do we expect and teach our young men to “buck up”, and be so tough that they can’t even pause to feel the pain of death, loss, or grief? It is something to think about. What is the message we are sending to these big, bad, tough athletes about their own contribution to the world – to us? They are our heroes (dare I say) gods to some, and they cannot show weakness even in the most “real” situations. They have to keep the image alive. I have even seen some men stifle back laughter because it showed vulnerability.

But to live is to feel. Feel something about anything. If we remove that honor, that gift from our personality are we denying ourselves the very essence of life? If so, as in the case with Darrent, is it then impossible to think that a man can argue with a person in a club and then conclude that shooting that person dead is the only logical solution to that argument? Why not – we are “bad mofos”. We don’t feel we act! Are all these behaviors connected? I am starting to think there is a link - and I’m sad about it. “We need to start respecting life.” Every part of life… emotion and all.